My Rants - I apologize in advance

Dear first born,

Why must you thwart my efforts at getting us out of the house early?  We were so close today.  We were at the shoe putting on point in the routine, when all of a sudden I hear the familiar bellow of, “MOOO-OOOOM I GOTTA GO POOOO-OOOOP.”  Son, you are not an in-and-out-get-um-done sort of boy.  You are a lackadaisical pooper.  I have always known it was a matter of time before books started to accompany you into the potty and last week it happened.  Now we are going to be officially unable to remove your booty from the toilet seat.  Regardless of my encouraging, “Everest, let’s get a move on, squeeze those suckers out,” you sit and sit and sit and sit.

Dear daycare lady,

Don’t you realize that I am in a hurry in the morning?  Why must you thwart my efforts of getting to work on time now that we are not early from above mentioned son’s pooping?  You tell me that my youngest son didn’t get to go to swimming lessons, yes swimming lessons THAT WE PAID FOR, because we wrapped up his owie.  For your information, the owie was wrapped up in Coban wrap, which is what we use for swimming.  By the way, I told the other teacher that he could go in the water with it on.  Oh, you didn’t know that?!?  Why must you admit that to me?  That just shows that there is NO COMMUNICATION going on there.  Oh, but he had fun playing with all of the toys there?  That’s nice.  Did I mention that WE PAID FOR SWIMMING LESSONS NOT TOY PLAYING?!?  Yeah, we did.

By the way, how about trying to teach my boy some ABCs or 123s?  I know that you are just trying to get through the day while dealing with maniacal children, same as the rest of us parents.  But unlike parents, YOU GET PAID FOR IT!!!!!!!

Dear slow driver,

Why must you actually make me late for work?  I realize that you are as old as dirt and probably can’t see but the speed limit says 55, which means you go at least 60.  NOT 43!!!!  Oh, you don’t know where you are going?  GET A MAP.  Or if you are technically savvy, which you are apparently not since you can’t drive your car, there is this thing called a GPS.  Oh, you were in the 3^rd Infantry?  You know how I know that?  You were driving so slow that I had a lot of time to study your license plate.  Thanks for serving our country now how about serving me and getting off the damn road.