Precarious Times

Apparently I still have readers out there.

It is hard to believe but lately I’ve been at a loss for words. I’ve just been struggling lately. Our whole little family seems to be struggling quite a bit. And for the first time in a long time I don’t want to share it. I think that as the kids get older that sharing their stories will get harder because their stories become theirs to tell. Part of what people like about my blog is my honesty so when I am not able to be honest I have a hard time writing my blog. I guess I will have to be cautiously vague in some respects for the protection of my boys.

There are behavioral issues and they are just coming to light right now. I don’t know if it is a delayed reaction to all of the “trauma” our family has been through in the past few months or something else. I have no way of knowing because no one is talking. But it scares me. We have this picture perfect family that isn’t so picture perfect. And although no one is perfect, I’d like to think that we could at least tackle the being happy part of life. But alas, life doesn’t always have a cherry on top. However, when you are a kid it should. I feel bad. I feel sad. I feel helpless and sometimes hopeless. I need to remind myself that we are all still learning. Learning and making mistakes. It’s rough. It is so hard right now. I wish I could make all of the bad stuff go away. I want to whisk away hardship for my boys and never have sadness touch their minds, never have tears on their cheeks or hear distress in their voice. But I am only a mom and moms can only do so much. There are inner demons that moms cannot conquer for their children. There are traumas that are not only skin deep but touch the core and moms are sometimes no match for that. But how does a kid work through that? Why does a kid have to? Kids are resilient but they are resilient up until a point and at what point do they get broken for good. What happens when their batteries run out? I don’t want to lose the innocence that I know will someday be lost. How do I hold onto that as long as possible? How do they hold onto it?

I ache for my boys. I understand it now when my mom says, when you hurt, I hurt. When you are sad, I am sad. A mother’s life is so entwined in their children that emotions become one. I wish I could inverse it so that my boys could feel what I feel instead. That way they would see how spectacular they are – how smart, how funny, how beautiful inside and out.